The language of sex

Curious beings us humans. We have evolved in so many ways. Technology ensures that, except for the lowest on the socio-economic scale, our wants and needs are little more than the press of a finger away. Especially when it comes to our own sexual pleasure, aka vibrators and toys.

We now have all sorts of science, such as sociology, psychology and psychiatry to explain away our human reasoning and motivations. We have come to understand that our lives are the sum of our parents. The freedoms or options at our disposal in our formative years are entirely dependent on our parents’ choices, or lake thereof, which are determined by their lives.

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But post WWII capitalism has seen this massive human movement from working class to middle class. Some cultures and regions lag dramatically behind the Western world, but none are immune to the trend. A trend demanding more, better, bigger ostentatious lives and the things that makes lives better. Embedded into this is the social justice and consciousness that insists no one is left behind. Even the underclass have advocates to support them building modern lives.

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Yet, one thing has not evolved to the level of our advanced human civilization, is our language about sex. Its reflection on gender and the language about and for women’s sexuality and to an extent, how this lack of language shapes modern and somewhat notions of toxic masculinity.

This is the first article in a series of three. Here we start with the devolution of language.

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The devolution of the language of sex

Our 21st century hyper technological advances has handed us the internet, a web that made our world a lot smaller. It has ensured that we are now consuming more and more information, entertainment as well as junk food and the purchase of land fill. A rapid rate of consumption the speed of which previous generations have not had the privilege of or access to.

As we evolved into these learning machines we are yet to be given the language tools to adequately discuss sex. Sorry nay sayers, the generation coming might seem naive but they are smarter and much more informed than you imagine. In searching the internet, the results that are fed to us are a flood of click bait. Sex is sensationalized. Articles and videos propounding its physical and mental health benefits or pornographic images and videos full of distorted, brutal and mostly misogynistic takes on sexual acts.

The primary source of information of any subject now ensures that the language of sex remains superficial our or in the realm of the id, un-evolved and refusing to progress.

Yes, there is power in an image. An image can be analysed in a conceptual language that removes the emotions of the subject. History of art is a point in case. The nudes that celebrate the human body, are always celebrating human sexuality. They are designed to arouse. The nudes are suggestive, some would argue it is tasteful and classical. We analyse the nudity and have perfected the objective language to discuss this art without using the word sex. However, recent human history and the technology developments has given us the explosion of human sexual images. Historically, nudes were the purview of art sponsored by wealthy patrons. Today, along with the explosion in the human population, the floury of self promotion and the want to consume these images, we struggle to recall a language that refers to sex as a human need.

Where are we now?

And so we’ve allowed the internet, it’s promotion of click bait and porn, to define the language of sex. This has further devolved our own sexual understanding. It has devolved our sexual motivations and what makes us, tick sexually. Wrap this in a historical culture of shame, shame born out of religious dogma. Now we find ourselves caught between two extremes. We’ve complicated sex and sexual experience and decided that we all should collectively experience sex in private. In our beds, and in the last 20 years, with a device in our hand as a teacher. The shame of what we experience with regards to what we think sex should be, or how it should be experienced, has taken its toll. This results in us re that we are left struggling with on our collective sexual experience.

Mini Private’s Purple Goodness Vibrator

Max calls this his Thermo Wand Vibrator but I know it as the vibrator that packs a good punch. My Mini Private’s Purple Goodness vibrator actually comes in two other colors, but I think this is the prettiest. One of my favorites. It can become part of an extended sex session with a partner or for solo.

It has three buttons for various settings and separate vibration motors in each end. The end I use often is the thinner dildo like end (some might be tempted to call it the handle, I call it the dildo end). The button closest to the dildo end turns on a heater. Yes! A heater. Of course using the heater adds a new dimension to the vibrator sensation. 

The dildo is slightly curved with two ridges. This works almost like a hook, where you can hook into the vagina and then press the larger ridge of the toy, down and onto the clitoris and surrounding area.

The middle button is the vibrator button for the dildo end of the toy. The vibrations increase in intensity and have different settings for you to experiment with. Playing with that hooking while pressing down towards the entry of the vagina and then ensuring the ridge is placed on the clitoris and surrounding area delivers an intense massage feeling, especially if the heater is on.

Hot rocks are no match for Mini Private’s Purple Goodness

The heater will take a few minutes but what a sensation it adds. The hooked tip is the part that heats up. Whether its on the clit or within the vagina, it is an amazing sensation and toy! Move it round would be my advice, don’t be shy to press it and play with it. And everyone know just how effective heat therapy is for relaxing stiff muscles. It works especially well for anal play, specifically anal training. And particularly well when combining the heat with slight vibrations (at least to start with).

1 + 1 = OMG!

Mini Power Duo Balls with the Vibro Remote

Alongside this toy, with anal play, I use the Mini Private Pink vibro remote (that’s the controller on the Mini Power Duo balls). Love to press it to my clitoris and make the experience a lot more pleasurable. With this comes a warning, using a vibrator while doing anal makes for a quick but intense orgasm. I would want to use this as a finale. I know I will be really spent and done, with no more energy to spare. These are the big guns I take out. The orgasms are so intense I do not want to be touched for hours after ( poor Max 😢 ). 

The third button closer to the Ball head is the round head vibrator setting with different, independent settings for increased intensity and settings as well.

The bulbous head is for when Max has a play. By pressing the vibrating ball between my lips, plugging the entrance to the vagina, it becomes another worldly sensation of pleasure. This vibrator works as an intense massager for any of the private parts, as in the vagina. Placed anywhere and pressed, it delivers a long sexual pleasure session that inevitably leads to an orgasm or two or sometimes a million! (let’s just say, I lose count 😉)

When the vibrator is on full bore, I worry that it is not as discreet as I would like, but Max always reasures me that the only thing giving me away is the moaning and gasping. But its vibrations on the lower settings are super quiet. If you are looking for a private self love session, you can go for as long and as hard as you want. 

The USB charging cable included is magic. I can plug the vibrator into the phone charge beside my bed as soon as I am finish and that keeps it charged and ready for the next play session.

Some advice on anal sex for women


Anal sex for women is not as easy or straight forward as it is for men:- “Anal really get’s me off when i think about it. I’ll watch anal porn videos (i’m a lesbian and have the Everything Butt lesbian page open on my phone practically all the time). When i fantasize about sex anal always comes up and when i masturbate chances are i’m thinking of a hot girl with a strap-on fucking my ass. However, in my (albeit limited) experience with anal, it’s never really lived up to the fantasy. I did anal a lot a few years ago with men before i came out and it was more the thought of someone fucking my ass that got me off while it was happening, physically it never really did much for me, and I’ve never really gotten the chance to do anal with a girl as my ex wasn’t into it. When i masturbate if i put my fingers in my ass it doesn’t do much. I’ve wanted to get a plug and see if that does anything. Does anyone else sympathize? Do i just need to explore more with girls and toys? Or are some things just better as a fantasy?”

Some background on anal sex for women

This is a particularly poignant question following Mini Private’s recent posting “Sexual fantasies into reality“. Anal sex for women is different from men. Although stimulation of the anus and the anal canal is neurologically the same for both sexes, the internal structures which can add to or result in sexual pleasure are different.

Pleasure from anal penetration is not an automatic guarantee. Pleasure from sex in general, but especially for women, is more heavily influenced by their mental and emotional state (subject for another article), at least when it comes to getting the sexual engine running. Your thoughts about fantasy bare testament to where you sit on that continuum of female sexual pleasure triggers.

Learning to enjoy or gain pleasure from anal sex, beyond fantasies, will be an individual journey, but the principals are common to all. Here are a couple of articles I have written that have help a lot of people in similar situations to yourself:

Anal sex training by yourself
Learning to enjoy anal sex

Communicating with your partner

When it comes to introducing a partner with your anal play and fantasies in general, things do get more complicated. You need to work on methods of communicating you needs and wants (and pain if it occurs) without braking the rhythm or mood/fantasy. While all the advice you will find on sexual satisfaction is going to tell you that open communications are important, no one addresses the fact that dissecting or intellectualizing your sexual experience when you are in the middle of it, is the last thing you want to do. Further more, dissecting you fatalities over a coffee or around the dinner table, even with the closest partner, will likely kill the fantasy in the process.

A couple of ideas

Even after 8 years with my current partner, I sneak the toys and lube et al, into the bed or position them in reach but out of sight. This is to preserve the fantasy or mystery in bed. She only gets to see the extent and dimensions of the rubber and other objects after her pleasure is over. The post sex realization of what she has experienced then adds to the sense of wicked pleasure. She doesn’t like blindfolds but she will often cover her eyes and face with a pillow case or scarf, or hide her entire upper body under the covers and leave her lower body exposed for me to access at will.

Another technique that my partner has adopted is to watch porn on her phone with head phones on so that I cannot see or hear what she is watching. I am her reality and this is about her fantasies. My challenge is to respond to her body language and movements to know what to do when. I do not have any direct visual or auditory ques to what she is watching or where the action is up to. Yes, there have been a lot of rejections that have accompanied this approach. But, if the fantasy/mood is broken then neither of us has a problem saying stop which mostly comes from her. Some times we totally stop. Other times we dump the fantasy and just go back to some boring (albeit pleasurable) missionary sex.

Anal sex for women with strap-ons

Just one extra consideration regarding anal sex for women in a lesbian relationship. given that you want to play with strap-ons, you need to realize the wearer gets no direct feedback from the phallus. They have no sense of the pressure or resistance or friction they are creating. It can be a clumsy thing in the beginning and problematic for an inexperienced anus. Anal training by yourself will help you accommodate a strap-on. Also, consider riding your partner at first so they get a sense of your pace/depth/rhythm and what pleases and how far they can go without hurting you.


Women having difficulty reaching orgasm

Research on this topic is very difficult to pin down. Somewhere between 10% and 40% of women report having difficulty or the inability to orgasm at all. As a woman who rarely has any trouble reaching multiple orgasms, I find this piece of statistics extremely sad. It indicates the amount of women who find the act of sex physiologically or physiologically problematic. I am a believer that whatever social damage had been done to us, we should continue on the quest of finding our release, and in this case, an orgasm is one worthy pursuit.

The popular press and social media is full of advice on the health benefit of an orgasm or how it strengthens relationships when an orgasm is due to/shared with a lover and there are endless lists on how to prepare yourself or your mind for orgasmic sex. I just want to cut to the chase.

If a woman has not been able to orgasm on her own or with a partner, girls I suggest you take out your big guns and buy a vibrator. Guys if your woman is yet to orgasm, I suggest you approach the topic of vibrators sensibly, cautiously and respectfully, just in case she does have an issue with sex toys.

Why a vibrator

Well they are mechanical, unlike human heads, hands and tongues they do not tire. They hit the spot, usually a clitoris or vagina, easily and with care, especially if you are doing the driving. If it’s your partner who is wielding this dangerously, delicious toy, you will need to make sure you guide him, firmly and specifically.

How to use a vibrator?

You use a vibrator however and wherever it feels good for you. I have to say, I’ve never had a problem orgasming on my own or with Max. Having said that, vibrators form an extra set of toys in the bedroom and they are a descendant and hedonistic additional must within our sex play. So I can put it in my vagina, anus as well as a small one to my clit. Don’t start this way… gently progress. This is a play that can be experienced once you have mastered all body parts, one at a time, or together.

How often can I use a vibrator

As often as you wish as long as your toy is working, you can go for your life. However, make sure that your toy is charged or you have a spare set of batteries at hand. Nothing is worse then being in mid/pre-orgasm and your toy starts to fade and gives out. Buzz kill mid-orgasm is one of the most frustrating experiences alongside experiencing endless fumbling from your partner that just does not hit the spot.

What do I do with my dirty vibrator?

Clean and disinfect your toy after use, like you clean yourself.

How do I approach my partner about this?

I’ve never come across a partner who does not like to play in the bedroom. Broach the subject. If it is for your pleasure, then buying your own and introducing it to the conversation of sex, would be a sensible approach. If it is for the pleasure of your female partner, then the subject will need to be broached carefully. I know of women who gag at the thought of sex toys, the gag is not an intended pun. If it is this severe, we suggest sex counselling.

Or make a sex date with your partner and take him to a sex toy shop and choose a vibrator together. Nothing like visiting a sex shop to say you are committed in a loving and non judgemental sexual relationship.

No sex shop in your town or near enough, then this website already has a number of vibrators for women’s pleasure, tried and tested for your inner hedonist.

If your partner rejects the idea, then buy it as this is your toy to revel in. learn to pleasure your body, for it is us women who must know our bodies and needs. Your partner does not need to be part this play until they come around to the idea. If your partner controls your sex and you are comfortable with this, then that’s your choice. If not, then I would suggest partner counselling.

For a list of my favourite vibrators, see this page and happy valentines, give her the gift of an orgasm, or a million Os.

Persuading a woman to have Anal Sex

By far, the single most common question I get from men is; “How do I get my partner/girl friend/wife to have anal sex?” or “How do I best approach the subject of anal sex with my partner/girl friend/wife?”

wanting to get their girls to take it up the ass. The answer is the same for women trying to get their lesbian partner to take it up the ass. Now for women wanting to play with their guys ass or start pegging him, while the principles are the same, there are notable differences, physical and mental, that need consideration. In time, and with some encouragement, I will put together an article specifically for women who want to take the upper hand.

For gay men, it would seem that the subject is central to their sexual relationship, so for gay men the question is more about who to get started or do it better.

Now for women wanting to play with their guys ass or start pegging him, there are some differences, physical and mental that need some consideration.

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Sexual fantasies into reality

Sex is a primal (very animalistic) need. As such, we all engage in fantasy about our sexual lives, early on and often wild fantasies and dreams. But what about our sexual fantasies in reality? My earliest recollection of a sexual fantasy was when I was 11 years old and some report earlier than that. A conservative and insular upbringing might delay the inevitable to some degree, but most recently, easy access to pornographic websites definitely trigger greater fantasies at an earlier age.

Not to put a damper on our sexual fantasy, there is (with a capital IS), a difference between our sexual fantasies and the sexual act.

As a child, I grew up in a very conservative environment. So conservative that a kiss on the TV was censored by the government. There was no kissing, or even hugging, which might lead to, or hint of love making. As children growing up in this environment, we believed women got pregnant by shaking hands or lying too close to a male. We were even taught that getting too close or touching a brother or an uncle was dangerous. Yes, truly, I and the other children, grew up believing that.

Arriving at my sexuality required some navigation. I was confident in what I wanted. I wanted my bondage fantasy, but I still wanted it on my own terms! This here is the clincher. Many of us have our fantasies but suddenly it is on the terms of a partner.

Understand this, there is no intellectualizing sex, again it’s an animalistic, primal need, with many ups and downs. Trying to deal with the guilt of wanting it so bad and fantasizing about it so much. You come from conservative, religions backgrounds. The mores of modern societies are still steeped with religious overtones. Dealing with the social stigma and then reconciling with your fantasies, can add to the guilt and sense of abnormality.

Having said all of this, just because we feel guilty, abnormal, somewhat criminal, the act of moving sexual fantasies into reality, has to be on your own terms. Anyone trying to convince you that you have to do it their way, because they are older, wiser, been in the scene longer, have more experience, they are a dominant and know better. Anyone convincing you that if you don’t want it their way, means you love them less, not invested in the relationship… that is alarm bells.  Alarm bells to run, as fast as you can. If your fantasy begins to turn into experiences that are not enjoyable, then this is no longer on your own terms.

I’d like to share with you a couple of recently published resources that touch on this subject. The psychology of the threesome – The Guardian Australia


Why Women Fantasize About Cuckolding” – Caitlin V (Sexologiest).

Enema questions

“I have done a few enemas before that were maybe 300mls and want to take on more but I was curious of a few things.

How much can you really do?
Is there a way to alleviate the resulting gut pains?
What fluids do y’all find fun to use?”

by GoodPubby

I have put together a Total Colon Clean Out process which deals with the prevention of cramping and explains the cleaning out process in detail. It works without special diets or starvation. It has been endorsed by a number of porn actors saving them hours of preparation time and going on a 24 hour gummy bear diet.

You might also find the articles Enema Issues and Eating and Enemas useful reading.

Play safe.

Common Causes of Anal Sex Problems

Common Anal Sex Problems

When we consider the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior conducted in 2010 revealed that almost 1 in 3 American women, aged 18 to 59, reported some difficulty with pain the last time that they had sex, there are bound to be problems with anal sex. As with vaginal intercourse, anal sex should not be painful and there is a lot of false information over inflating the risks of having anal sex. If you want anal play or anal sex easy and worry free, then it is good to know the structure of your back passage and how to control it.

People have been shoving things up their asses for millenia without knowing anything much about their back passage. Anal Sex has historically been a standard method of contraception, preserving a woman’s “Virginity” as well as just for the pleasure of it. Yet, in the modern, western world, mainstream media and sexual education resources warn of many perils and risks associated with the practice. This article will explain in some detail where things commonly go wrong for people trying anal sex and dispel most of the negative press.

Continue reading “Common Causes of Anal Sex Problems”

Perfectly Easy Anal Sex – A success story

Easy Anal Sex

Prologue by MaxPrivate

“Perfectly easy anal sex” is an awesome success story from one of my followers on FetLife. The experience and issues that faced this person is echoed by so many that I asked if I could publish our dialogue for the benefit of others. This person’s story actually started with a post entitled “So I really wanted to try anal” about 8 months before she came to me for help. Here is how we started:

” I have gotten ok with the insertion and toys being in there…but the fucking motion…i don’t like it. It causes me pain. Currently I have called an all stop to anal until I figure it out.”

Continue reading “Perfectly Easy Anal Sex – A success story”

Anal Sex Training by Yourself

Benefits of anal sex training by yourself

There are lots of reasons why people want or should do anal sex training by themselves. Most will ‘suffer’ from modesty, anxiety, fears or some combination or those, that are the result of a lifetime of negative social programming. Others have experienced or anticipate pain and discomfort that they believe would be tolerable, or at least would spoil the sexual encounter. Some want to surprise a partner with the special ‘gift’ of giving their ass and want to be assured that it will be easy and without a lot of negotiations, discussions or experimentation. They want it to be a natural part of their sexual exploits and not be awkward.

Continue reading “Anal Sex Training by Yourself”

Avoiding or Eliminating Anal Sex Pain

Avoid Anal Sex Pain

This is a hot topic even for people in the BDSM/Fetish communities

It is a common misconception that you cannot avoid pain from anal sex penetration and that anal sex inevitably hurts. The standard advice – Bad Advice – goes something like this;

“Use lube, lots of lube, relax and don’t worry about the initial pain. It will go away.”

This advice is not entirely incorrect. If you do choose to just keep persevering your body and mind will get the hang of it eventually and anal sex will become easy. It just doesn’t have to be that way.

Continue reading “Avoiding or Eliminating Anal Sex Pain”

Starting Anal Sex Virgin

Starting with an Anal Sex Virgin


This article focuses on physical techniques as well as general advice for the Top (the dominant/giver/penetrator) that are designed to open the ass of a Bottom (submissive/receiver) for the purpose of engaging in anal sex. As detailed as I have tried to be, it is not possible to cover every aspect of every persons personal responses. Conciser this advice as guidance for the wise and not rules for fools. This is all sound advice but be ready to vary things for an individual.

Continue reading “Starting Anal Sex Virgin”

Max Injector XL – anal lube shooter & enema syringe

Max Injector XL

The Max Injector XL is for those who want to inject a butt load of lube in a single shot and more effective for cleaning the arse for anal sex than the original Max Injector. When it comes to easy and pain free anal sex, lube injected into the anus is a must. But when it comes to finding a good lube shooter, the existing commercial products are basically rubbish. With the Max Products, I try to address specific needs for specialty products and source quality at a price that won’t disappoint.

Continue reading “Max Injector XL – anal lube shooter & enema syringe”

Positions for having anal sex

Which anal sex positions do people find better?

The following is a thread from one of my FetLife groups that asks what positions for anal sex people prefer. I thought would be of interest to the broader community. You will also find the question of position is important to avoid pain from anal sex

Some examples of those basic positions are shown here but are graphic/pronographic, so you have to have a sign in which acknowledges you accept the T&C’s

Continue reading “Positions for having anal sex”

Our modern aversion to Anal Sex

People’s aversion to Anal Sex

Our aversion to anal sex, be it the “ick factor”, shame, embarrassment or “it’s just plain wrong”, is the biggest barrier to people enjoying anal sex. These emotional responses to the thought of anal sex is at the core of people’s unwillingness to even contemplate the act. In a modern, 1st world society, it may be hard to understand the reasons for these emotions. After all, in our modern, first world societies, gay relationships are now celebrated, although not by all. It must be know that the vast majority of gay relationships involve anal sex.

Continue reading “Our modern aversion to Anal Sex”

Starting Anal Sex – initial pain

Anal Sex – Starting out

by jacquie30sJuly 24, 2016

Hi I’m pretty new to anal and would like to be able to take my master’s cock. My question is probably pretty rudimentary, but i would appreciate any information on your own experiences.

If it’s painful at the beginning can it feel better once it is in, or does the pain just continue? I’m ok I think to take a bit of pain but I’m worried that too much will scare me off anal.

Continue reading “Starting Anal Sex – initial pain”

Staying in Anal Shape

Staying in anal shape when flying solo. Any thoughts?

by ann_moonrider

Broke up with my boyfriend 6-months ago and moved. Single since then. He was the first guy that I had ever had satisfying anal sex with. It takes me a while to get relaxed, and things got better as we practiced together.

Been on my own now for half a year, and I’m wondering if the back-door progress I made will fade, and if I start up with a new lover, will I have the tightness trouble that I had at first. Has this happened to anyone?

I’m wondering if I should ‘practice’ with a vibe or dildo to stay in shape?

Continue reading “Staying in Anal Shape”

Alcohol and Anal Sex

Mixing alcohol and anal sex

Every time the subject of using alcohol to help a bottom take a cock (consenting bottom), especially when the question relates to an anal sex virgin, neigh sayers descend on the forum discussion with all manor of outrageous claims propounding the dangers of mixing alcohol with anal sex. In the extreme the claims suggest using anyone using alcohol to easy anal penetration is a candidate for the Darwin Awards or, at the very least, a trip to the ER. From a clinical standpoint, nothing could be further from the truth and there is no justification for all the negativity.

Continue reading “Alcohol and Anal Sex”

Ujjayi Breath for better sex

I can’t believe it is so hard to find a simple explanation of Ujjayi breath(ing). There is loads of information that talks about the spiritual links and nature and it origins. This article is about the mechanics of Ujjayi breathing for those who are just not into the spiritualism.

Before you start using Ujjayi Breath various situations to manage pain, alleviate discomfort or in your quest for greater sexual satisfaction, it is best to just practice the breathing technique on its own. The Ujjayi breath is typically done in association with asana practice. Asana is any posture useful for restoring and maintaining a persons well-being and improving the body’s flexibility and vitality. Primarily though, its origins are cultivating the ability to remain in seated meditation for extended periods.

Inhalation and exhalation are both done through the nose. An “ocean sound” is created by moving the glottis as air passes in and out. The length and speed of the breath is controlled by the diaphragm, the strengthening of which is, in part, the purpose of ujjayi. The inhalations and exhalations should be equal in duration, and are controlled in a manner that causes no distress to the practitioner. i.e. don’t strain to fill your lungs or empty them.

Ujjayi is a diaphragmatic breath. Keeping your chest still, you first fill the lower belly which pushes your belly out. Then rise to the lower rib cage and finally the upper chest and throat. When you lungs are full, hold your breath for a second or two. Don’t block your nasal passage with your tongue or pallet to hold the breath in, just hold your diaphragm and chest muscles in place. You should be able to allow small amounts of air to flow in and out if you wanted to.

When you breath out, let the air rush out at first (to make the ocean sound) and just let the breath slow to a stop at the end and relax with your lungs empty for a second or two. Again, don’t block the airways. Then start the cycle again..

Practice this in a comfortable sitting position with your eyes closed. No sooner than you think you are comfortable you will want to touch/scratch your nose or rub your eye or scratch your forehead. The idea is to breath through those moments and remain still. Focus on the breath flowing up through the top of your nasal passages and into the back of your throat in a big arc. Then back the other way. Listen to the “Ocean sound”. If you can’t feel it, imagine the air flowing up into your skull and your nasal passages opening.

The idea is to stay focused on your breath or breathing. As you relax you will start to daydream or maybe start pondering some part of the day or something you still need to do. Just slowly bring your thoughts back to your breathing as soon as you realise your mind is straying.

These are the mechanical and mental processes for a good Ujjayi breath. When you can breath through the itchy nose and other distracting sensations you will find that you can breath through all sorts of discomforts and even painful events.

It is a good way to wind down at the end of a day. It is basically a form of meditation in itself. Great way to relax before sex too.

Anal training

How do you do anal training?

This is for people who are contemplating anal sex and considered that some type of anal training might be a good idea. It is a fair question to ask where to start with your taining or warm ups. Small anal/butt plugs? A finger? Lube and what sort of lube? Should you use a special lube? All very good questions.

Continue reading “Anal training”

Anal training after a bad incident

Anal training after a bad incident

Anal training is at the core of this thread from FetLife. I felt this was worthy of preservation and that cannot be guaranteed if I leave it up to FetLife.


Training after bad incident

by LittlePetMolly 7 months ago

Hey all, I’m hoping someone can help me.

I would like to begin anal training (I’ve actually done a little bit already) to please my boyfriend. The idea itself is arousing, however the trouble is, I have a slight history with abuse especially with anal. Everything usually is fine, the thoughts, arousals, and prep, but when it comes to actually doing it, all I can think of is how much it had hurt and how terrifying that one experience was and so I stop it all right then and there, right before insertion.

So basically I need to get past a mental and in the worst way. We certainly go incredibly slow and gentle and stop when necessary, but I just can’t get past this. Please help, I would like to be able to do this.

(Also this will be posted in the group dedicated to those dealing with trauma)
Not Following Discussion ()

Responses (9 of 9)

My wife/sub has dealt with trauma very similar to what you describe. In the beginning she was terrified at just it being brought up. Now she is still nervous and afraid up until penetration is complete once she is fully penetrated and her muscles have relaxed enough for movement. Usually she begins to have an orgasm as soon as movement starts! We started slow just fingers along with oral stimulation. We moved at her pace (with a few pushes from me as well) and have taken 2&1/2 yrs to get here. Sure you want to please your partner, if you guys take your time you can make anal the icing on the cake for both of you. Always remember good lube and plenty of it is your best friend

P S one way to look at the emotional side of dealing with the trauma, By over coming your fears and learning to enjoy and even love having anal sex you take the power away from your abuser. I’m no professional but that’s my thought on it.

To get passed a mental block you will probably do a lot better playing/training on your own. It sounds like you have a guy that is caring and gentle enough and you just need to focus on reprogramming/desensitizing your psychological/physiological response. You can use simple behavior mod. practices. The following is a detailed program for reprogramming yourself.

The following advice assumes you know about the anatomy of your ass. If you have any doubt read Common Causes of Anal Sex Problems first and don’t forget the lube. Keep everything very slippery.

If you are comfortable inserting your own finger (or at least one finger) then that is the place to start. For five minutes a day (at least) stick you own finger in your ass and start moving it around. Gently pull your anus from side to side then front and back with your finger. Just get used to manipulating your ass without causing yourself any pain.

Start practicing ‘bearing down’ (pushing your ass out like you are trying to poo). As you feel the sphincter muscles start to relax and soften (not necessarily on the first or any given session) start working a second finger into your anus from your other hand, along with the first. Be gentle. Be comfortable. Remember to breath. It should be calm and rhythmic. Pause as you breath in and push out with your ass and in with your fingers as you exhale.

When you have two finger comfortably in start stretching them apart, GENTLY! Side ways and front to back. Remember to breath. Relax as you breath in and stretch a little more as you breath out. Keep working with your fingers. Over time (and probably not a lot of time) you will find you can work your way up to two fingers from each hand. It may take you a week. It may take you a month. Some days will be easier and some days will be harder. Listen to your body and only go as far as you are comfortable on any give day.

When you are comfortable to move on it is time to start probing deeper and that you cannot do with fingers. You want to work with something very smooth. The classic vibrators come in different diameters and are dirt cheap (see: classic vibe). Get a couple of different sizes, nothing extreme. Start with your fingers to relax your anus and then slowly replace your fingers with the tip of the vibrator. Vibrations will further relax your muscles.

Your practice with the vibe is to gently push in past the Puborectalis muscle. Gently gyrate the vibe as you try pushing it in. Squat or knees to chest is the best position. Concentrate on your breathing. Pause as you breath in. Push as you breath out. You should feel the resistance of this muscle fade fairly quickly (maybe a number of attempts) and when you do it is time to start sliding the vibe in and out gently and rhythmically.

As you go deeper you will need more and more lube. You will be able to get the vibe in about 4 inchs (10 cm) before you hit a bit of a road block. This is because of the Anorectal Angle. To proceed deeper (same with a cock) you have to navigate the vibe through the sharp corner into the main part of your rectum. To do this you have to tilt the head of the vibe (inside you) back towards your spine. You will be pulling the base of the vibe forward, towards your clit. This will put a whole new strain on your sphincters and Puborectalis muscle, so take it slow and gentle. Just start by rocking the vibe back and forth. Concentrate on your breathing. This time start tilting the vibe toward you spine while you breath in and stop tilting when you feel the strain. Maintain the strain as you finish breathing in and as you breath out just angle the vibe a little more. Breath in holding the strain and tilt a little more as you breath out. When you are comfortable (you decide) start pushing the vibe further in as you breath out. More lube!

When the vibe is aligned with your rectum you could slide a vibe in easily until it hits the top of the rectum (at least eight inches/20 cm). Once you get to this point it is time to just practice sliding the vibe all the way in and all the way out, rhythmically, over and over again. Apply more lube.

Remember to always start from the beginning with your fingers. Warm yourself up to where you were before. Now it is time to imagine the vibe is a real cock. Think about your man and his cock as you penetrate yourself.Aas you are sliding the vibrator in and out. This is a standard brain training trick. Ideally now you should be masturbating yourself to orgasm. This is actually very important in Behavior mod. to associate all the sensations with sexual gratification.

When all seems good and you feel ready and you have imagined his cock penetrating your ass over and over and over again, it is time to use the real thing.

On this final step remember to start warming yourself up with your fingers (not his). Go through the exercise steps with your vibe. Be touching each other. Looking at each other. Imagine it is his cock when you are warming up with your vibe.

As you ready yourself to take his cock it is time to inject a good dose of lube up your ass (see: Good anal lube). Make sure he is lying on his back with his cock standing up to start with and when you feel ready, position yourself over his cock, still with the vibe burred in your ass. Slide the vibe in and out a couple more times and when you are ready, slide the vibe out and gently guide his cock into your ass as a replacement. Remember your training. You have to get passed the sphincters first, then the Puborectalis muscle, then the angle into the rectum. You control the speed of penetration. You control the angle. Remember your breathing. Sit/push down on the cock as you exhale. Pause as you inhale. Take your time and concentrate on your breathing until you are sitting right down on his cock. Start gyrating, maybe bouncing a little yourself before you let him start to take control.

If figure you can sort it from there.

Play safe.

A great resource for us women is the book by Tristan Taoromino called The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. I’ve read this book several times and always come away with something new. The most important part was how if it hurts to do anal, you’re doing something wrong. You should be able to achieve accepting of a cock without any pain. This of course, after lots of training, as @MaxPrivate has so eloquently spelled out for you. Consider using butt plugs that graduate in size. They are usually labeled as “anal training kits” and can be helpful, along with your fingers of course.

Also keep in mind that when the time comes to actually accept a cock, there isn’t necessarily any one position that will be the one that works for you. I suggest you play around with what position you’re in when you move forward with it. It’s a good idea to be in a position where YOU have the actual control over how fast/slow he moves into you, but it could be that you’re standing and he’s taking you from behind, or perhaps as @MaxPrivate indicated, sitting on top of him. It’s all about what works for you and finding that sweet spot.

Remember to take it slow. It’s not going to happen overnight or during one play session. It could take several months, and while this may seem like a long time to wait, remember that it’s also about the journey, as they say.

Good luck to you and have fun.

MAXPRIVATE’s Advice is the best in your case. AND it’s free lol…. Do this and in time (like a month or so) you’ll be comfortable enough with anal to enjoy it with your partner BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT!!!


OneRedApple makes a good point. I am an advocate of squatting (not sitting). When you position yourself over the cock you want to be squatting, usually facing away (Asian reverse cowgirl). Depending on your anatomy and his cock’s the angle may not be best for the initial penetration but you have the flexability of leaning back towards his chest, even moving you feet forward a bit. Or it may be better to facing him in an Asian cowgirl.

Many people swear by spooning. The entry angle is good for the sphincters and Puborectalis muscle. It is easy to adjust your position to angle the cock through the Anorectal Angle. But it is a little hard to coordinate a smooth transition from the vibe to inserting the cock.

Doggy is best for others. It is easy to manage the vibe in one hand and the cock in the other at the same time. You want to start in an almost vertical kneeling position with your butt sticking out. As you push your butt further out and guide the cock in you also start folding forward to straighten out the Anorectal Angle. You keep pushng your butt out and drop it down onto your knees as you fold yourself over your thighs. At this point everything should be aligned for him to take control.

This is all fantastic advice. Thanks a lot everyone. I will most definitely begin gradual introduction by myself and work up the way @MaxPrivate suggested.

I’m sure over time and training, the mental block will disappear. However until then, there’s still a fairly strong emotional aspect to overcome :/

Okay, I agree with all the TL;DR here, but I don’t think anyone mentioned this yet.

The first step is just getting used to having your butthole be touched. So in the shower, soap up your butt and get it nice and clean between the cheeks. Then place your fingers on your anus and apply gentle pressure. This step comes before insertion or anything else.

@FFingercuFFs – excellent point. I am going to add that to the piece of writing I am compiling based on this thread.

Female Cum & Ejaculation – fact not fiction & not pee

Female Cum & Ejaculation:
– Introduction –

Female ejaculation is still a fiercely debated phenomenon. Some women (and their partners) are seriously bothered by the thought of “gushing” or “squirting” and horribly embarrassed when it does happen to them. The concern usually stems from the incorrect belief that anything more than a bit of moisture which arises during sexual arousal, to facilitate penetration, must be urine.

Now there are women who do loose bladder control when they climax which is not really squirting or gushing, it is far better described as leaking. I also know there are many who say “… and so what!”, but there are many others who are just not into water sports and when they “gush” or “ejaculate” (as opposed to leaking) this can seriously spoil their enjoyment of what is surely some excellent sex. This is because the only way to stop the wetness is for the woman to stop enjoying what they are doing. This is completely misguided and unnecessary.

Female Cum & Ejaculation:
– Peeing, Squirting, Gushing and Ejaculating

There are a couple of reasons why some people find it hard to believe that a woman can ejaculate, not the least of which is the porn industry’s “Squirting Women” genre, in which women are most often filmed spraying “pee” all over the place at the moment of “climax”. It should also be noted that it is standard practice to inject a saline solution into the balder rather like they would do in during a cystoscopy. So in the case of many porn films it is not even urine. It is much more convenient injecting fluid into a woman’s bladder directly than waiting for the human bodies ability to produce urine.

Cystoscopy process
Cystoscopy with saline solution injected

In between the concepts of peeing (which could be leaking or squirting) and ejaculating there is also gushing. Again the porn industry makes no distinction between gushing and squirting (which are depictions of peeing in almost every instance) and so the term gushing is also hijacked by the porn industry leaving the unwitting population believing that any wet patch left by a woman must be urine. It’s just isn’t so.

Female Cum & Ejaculation:
– What is it and where does it come from?

So to make a specific distinction between urine and female “cum”, what we are speaking of is actually the standard/normal lubricant (mucus) the vagina produces when a woman is sexually aroused.

Female cross-section

Shown here is a rather classic diagram used to discuss the female reproductive system and sexuality. You have probably seen hundreds just like this. But it doesn’t even show, let alone highlight, where the female “cum” comes from. There are four internal glands that will never show up on a center-line cross-section like this because they are not on the center-line. They are positioned on either side of the vagina. Two at the front on either side and two at the back (on either side).

let me say that on various occasions (but not all) every woman I have been with has “gushed”. It makes me extremely happy when I see a big wet patch on the bed and its not me. It’s is a sure fire sign of how much the woman enjoyed our intimate time. And kind of flips the scales in the argument over who should sleep on the wet patch.

But, while any woman can gush, not all can ejaculate. Gushing (lubricant) comes from two different glans and their associated ducts in and around the entrance to the vagina. You can see these, the openings of the ducts, on this close-up the the female’s genitals.

Female Genitals
Female Genitals

The first source of gushing “cum” is the Batholin’s Gland which every woman has. You can see the opening of the left Batholin’s Gland which is circled in the image a little to the rear of the vaginal opening. There is another the same on the right side of the vagina.

The Skene’s gland is considered to be responsible for female ejaculation, but its anatomy varies greatly in every woman. Here it can be clearly seen just to the left of the urethral opening. In some women the Skenes glands drains into the urethra itself, which has reinforced the belief that it is pee. In some women it appears to be completely absent and would add to the argument that it is a complete myth.

If a woman has a healthy Skene’s gland that is well connected to her g-spot and clitoris and the conditions are just right (when her muscles contract or the penetration is just right and the exit of the ducts is not being cover by the labia) the glands will squirt girl juice like little syringes. They literally ejaculate fluid and it is just as convenient to call it girl cum.

Here are a couple of Wiki links you can check out that go into more clinical detail.

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Learning to enjoy anal sex


Learning to enjoy anal sex is an issue that comes up again and again. If you are not into anal you may be asking why should you? Those who are into anal are asking why not? Those who want to please or share this experience with their partner are asking how can I?

So far, I am yet to see this subject addressed effectively. I see a lot of quick advice that lack any explanatory depth and only deal with one aspect or another. Some focus on one practice technique or another or they provide blind pieces of advice saying use more lube, taking it slower and just relax. All of which are good pieces of advice but not helpful it you believe your are already doing these things. Furthermore, this type of advice is treating symptoms and not addressing the root cause of many people’s discomfort.

Continue reading “Learning to enjoy anal sex”