The language of sex

Curious beings us humans. We have evolved in so many ways. Technology ensures that, except for the lowest on the socio-economic scale, our wants and needs are little more than the press of a finger away. Especially when it comes to our own sexual pleasure, aka vibrators and toys.

We now have all sorts of science, such as sociology, psychology and psychiatry to explain away our human reasoning and motivations. We have come to understand that our lives are the sum of our parents. The freedoms or options at our disposal in our formative years are entirely dependent on our parents’ choices, or lake thereof, which are determined by their lives.

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But post WWII capitalism has seen this massive human movement from working class to middle class. Some cultures and regions lag dramatically behind the Western world, but none are immune to the trend. A trend demanding more, better, bigger ostentatious lives and the things that makes lives better. Embedded into this is the social justice and consciousness that insists no one is left behind. Even the underclass have advocates to support them building modern lives.

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Yet, one thing has not evolved to the level of our advanced human civilization, is our language about sex. Its reflection on gender and the language about and for women’s sexuality and to an extent, how this lack of language shapes modern and somewhat notions of toxic masculinity.

This is the first article in a series of three. Here we start with the devolution of language.

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The devolution of the language of sex

Our 21st century hyper technological advances has handed us the internet, a web that made our world a lot smaller. It has ensured that we are now consuming more and more information, entertainment as well as junk food and the purchase of land fill. A rapid rate of consumption the speed of which previous generations have not had the privilege of or access to.

As we evolved into these learning machines we are yet to be given the language tools to adequately discuss sex. Sorry nay sayers, the generation coming might seem naive but they are smarter and much more informed than you imagine. In searching the internet, the results that are fed to us are a flood of click bait. Sex is sensationalized. Articles and videos propounding its physical and mental health benefits or pornographic images and videos full of distorted, brutal and mostly misogynistic takes on sexual acts.

The primary source of information of any subject now ensures that the language of sex remains superficial our or in the realm of the id, un-evolved and refusing to progress.

Yes, there is power in an image. An image can be analysed in a conceptual language that removes the emotions of the subject. History of art is a point in case. The nudes that celebrate the human body, are always celebrating human sexuality. They are designed to arouse. The nudes are suggestive, some would argue it is tasteful and classical. We analyse the nudity and have perfected the objective language to discuss this art without using the word sex. However, recent human history and the technology developments has given us the explosion of human sexual images. Historically, nudes were the purview of art sponsored by wealthy patrons. Today, along with the explosion in the human population, the floury of self promotion and the want to consume these images, we struggle to recall a language that refers to sex as a human need.

Where are we now?

And so we’ve allowed the internet, it’s promotion of click bait and porn, to define the language of sex. This has further devolved our own sexual understanding. It has devolved our sexual motivations and what makes us, tick sexually. Wrap this in a historical culture of shame, shame born out of religious dogma. Now we find ourselves caught between two extremes. We’ve complicated sex and sexual experience and decided that we all should collectively experience sex in private. In our beds, and in the last 20 years, with a device in our hand as a teacher. The shame of what we experience with regards to what we think sex should be, or how it should be experienced, has taken its toll. This results in us re that we are left struggling with on our collective sexual experience.

Some advice on anal sex for women

Question

Anal sex for women is not as easy or straight forward as it is for men:- “Anal really get’s me off when i think about it. I’ll watch anal porn videos (i’m a lesbian and have the Everything Butt lesbian page open on my phone practically all the time). When i fantasize about sex anal always comes up and when i masturbate chances are i’m thinking of a hot girl with a strap-on fucking my ass. However, in my (albeit limited) experience with anal, it’s never really lived up to the fantasy. I did anal a lot a few years ago with men before i came out and it was more the thought of someone fucking my ass that got me off while it was happening, physically it never really did much for me, and I’ve never really gotten the chance to do anal with a girl as my ex wasn’t into it. When i masturbate if i put my fingers in my ass it doesn’t do much. I’ve wanted to get a plug and see if that does anything. Does anyone else sympathize? Do i just need to explore more with girls and toys? Or are some things just better as a fantasy?”

Some background on anal sex for women

This is a particularly poignant question following Mini Private’s recent posting “Sexual fantasies into reality“. Anal sex for women is different from men. Although stimulation of the anus and the anal canal is neurologically the same for both sexes, the internal structures which can add to or result in sexual pleasure are different.

Pleasure from anal penetration is not an automatic guarantee. Pleasure from sex in general, but especially for women, is more heavily influenced by their mental and emotional state (subject for another article), at least when it comes to getting the sexual engine running. Your thoughts about fantasy bare testament to where you sit on that continuum of female sexual pleasure triggers.

Learning to enjoy or gain pleasure from anal sex, beyond fantasies, will be an individual journey, but the principals are common to all. Here are a couple of articles I have written that have help a lot of people in similar situations to yourself:

Anal sex training by yourself
and
Learning to enjoy anal sex

Communicating with your partner

When it comes to introducing a partner with your anal play and fantasies in general, things do get more complicated. You need to work on methods of communicating you needs and wants (and pain if it occurs) without braking the rhythm or mood/fantasy. While all the advice you will find on sexual satisfaction is going to tell you that open communications are important, no one addresses the fact that dissecting or intellectualizing your sexual experience when you are in the middle of it, is the last thing you want to do. Further more, dissecting you fatalities over a coffee or around the dinner table, even with the closest partner, will likely kill the fantasy in the process.

A couple of ideas

Even after 8 years with my current partner, I sneak the toys and lube et al, into the bed or position them in reach but out of sight. This is to preserve the fantasy or mystery in bed. She only gets to see the extent and dimensions of the rubber and other objects after her pleasure is over. The post sex realization of what she has experienced then adds to the sense of wicked pleasure. She doesn’t like blindfolds but she will often cover her eyes and face with a pillow case or scarf, or hide her entire upper body under the covers and leave her lower body exposed for me to access at will.

Another technique that my partner has adopted is to watch porn on her phone with head phones on so that I cannot see or hear what she is watching. I am her reality and this is about her fantasies. My challenge is to respond to her body language and movements to know what to do when. I do not have any direct visual or auditory ques to what she is watching or where the action is up to. Yes, there have been a lot of rejections that have accompanied this approach. But, if the fantasy/mood is broken then neither of us has a problem saying stop which mostly comes from her. Some times we totally stop. Other times we dump the fantasy and just go back to some boring (albeit pleasurable) missionary sex.

Anal sex for women with strap-ons

Just one extra consideration regarding anal sex for women in a lesbian relationship. given that you want to play with strap-ons, you need to realize the wearer gets no direct feedback from the phallus. They have no sense of the pressure or resistance or friction they are creating. It can be a clumsy thing in the beginning and problematic for an inexperienced anus. Anal training by yourself will help you accommodate a strap-on. Also, consider riding your partner at first so they get a sense of your pace/depth/rhythm and what pleases and how far they can go without hurting you.

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Sexual fantasies into reality

Sex is a primal (very animalistic) need. As such, we all engage in fantasy about our sexual lives, early on and often wild fantasies and dreams. But what about our sexual fantasies in reality? My earliest recollection of a sexual fantasy was when I was 11 years old and some report earlier than that. A conservative and insular upbringing might delay the inevitable to some degree, but most recently, easy access to pornographic websites definitely trigger greater fantasies at an earlier age.

Not to put a damper on our sexual fantasy, there is (with a capital IS), a difference between our sexual fantasies and the sexual act.

As a child, I grew up in a very conservative environment. So conservative that a kiss on the TV was censored by the government. There was no kissing, or even hugging, which might lead to, or hint of love making. As children growing up in this environment, we believed women got pregnant by shaking hands or lying too close to a male. We were even taught that getting too close or touching a brother or an uncle was dangerous. Yes, truly, I and the other children, grew up believing that.

Arriving at my sexuality required some navigation. I was confident in what I wanted. I wanted my bondage fantasy, but I still wanted it on my own terms! This here is the clincher. Many of us have our fantasies but suddenly it is on the terms of a partner.

Understand this, there is no intellectualizing sex, again it’s an animalistic, primal need, with many ups and downs. Trying to deal with the guilt of wanting it so bad and fantasizing about it so much. You come from conservative, religions backgrounds. The mores of modern societies are still steeped with religious overtones. Dealing with the social stigma and then reconciling with your fantasies, can add to the guilt and sense of abnormality.

Having said all of this, just because we feel guilty, abnormal, somewhat criminal, the act of moving sexual fantasies into reality, has to be on your own terms. Anyone trying to convince you that you have to do it their way, because they are older, wiser, been in the scene longer, have more experience, they are a dominant and know better. Anyone convincing you that if you don’t want it their way, means you love them less, not invested in the relationship… that is alarm bells.  Alarm bells to run, as fast as you can. If your fantasy begins to turn into experiences that are not enjoyable, then this is no longer on your own terms.

I’d like to share with you a couple of recently published resources that touch on this subject. The psychology of the threesome – The Guardian Australia

and

Why Women Fantasize About Cuckolding” – Caitlin V (Sexologiest).