Sex is a primal (very animalistic) need. As such, we all engage in fantasy about our sexual lives, early on and often wild fantasies and dreams. But what about our sexual fantasies in reality? My earliest recollection of a sexual fantasy was when I was 11 years old and some report earlier than that. A conservative and insular upbringing might delay the inevitable to some degree, but most recently, easy access to pornographic websites definitely trigger greater fantasies at an earlier age.
Not to put a damper on our sexual fantasy, there is (with a capital IS), a difference between our sexual fantasies and the sexual act.
As a child, I grew up in a very conservative environment. So conservative that a kiss on the TV was censored by the government. There was no kissing, or even hugging, which might lead to, or hint of love making. As children growing up in this environment, we believed women got pregnant by shaking hands or lying too close to a male. We were even taught that getting too close or touching a brother or an uncle was dangerous. Yes, truly, I and the other children, grew up believing that.
Arriving at my sexuality required some navigation. I was confident in what I wanted. I wanted my bondage fantasy, but I still wanted it on my own terms! This here is the clincher. Many of us have our fantasies but suddenly it is on the terms of a partner.
Understand this, there is no intellectualizing sex, again it’s an animalistic, primal need, with many ups and downs. Trying to deal with the guilt of wanting it so bad and fantasizing about it so much. You come from conservative, religions backgrounds. The mores of modern societies are still steeped with religious overtones. Dealing with the social stigma and then reconciling with your fantasies, can add to the guilt and sense of abnormality.
Having said all of this, just because we feel guilty, abnormal, somewhat criminal, the act of moving sexual fantasies into reality, has to be on your own terms. Anyone trying to convince you that you have to do it their way, because they are older, wiser, been in the scene longer, have more experience, they are a dominant and know better. Anyone convincing you that if you don’t want it their way, means you love them less, not invested in the relationship… that is alarm bells. Alarm bells to run, as fast as you can. If your fantasy begins to turn into experiences that are not enjoyable, then this is no longer on your own terms.
I’d like to share with you a couple of recently published resources that touch on this subject. “The psychology of the threesome“ – The Guardian Australia
“Why Women Fantasize About Cuckolding” – Caitlin V (Sexologiest).